Crush Your Enemies Review

Real Time Strategy games, RTS games for short, have been a staple of video gaming for a long time. However, as time has gone on, many have voiced their discontent as to the direction the genre’s heading. So, Crush Your Enemies has come to assuage their fears, bringing with it everything you like in a RTS, with some extra humor on the side.

Crush Your Enemies, made by the Polish Vile Monarch studio and published by Gambitious Digital Entertainment, casts us as Brog, the most cliché barbarian you have ever met. He leads a mighty host to assault Generia, the land that his grandfather lost fifty years ago. He is accompanied by Muk, a barbarian only capable of saying “MUK”, and his son, Fuzgut, whose main activities are facebook, playing on his phone, eating cupcakes and getting high. As you probably understand, the game doesn’t really take itself seriously, which is a good thing. Our goal is to conquer the land, drink beer and, of course, Crush Our Enemies.

The game is comprised of two acts. Although there are some changes between them, most of the gameplay is the same. In the world map, we can find two types of settlements. The first are the castles, which represent the story missions. The second are the villages. Some of those we can outright capture, claiming them as our own. Others we have to fight for. Once a village is ours, it will provide us with beer after every story mission. We can use that beer to buy items from the shop between the battles. As far as battles are concerned, they might seem simple, but there is a bit of complexity in them. The objective is usually to crush our enemies, but there are extra objectives each battle, like “survive for x minutes”, “do not use items” and more. In each battle, we start out with a few units and buildings, just like our enemies. The battle map is made of tiles, which can have three colors: orange, green and grey. Orange is our color, green is the enemy one and grey is neutral. We can freely move across orange tiles, but we have to capture the other two, making them our color, or else we can’t walk across them. The same goes for our enemies. In terms of buildings, the basic one is the hut, which will continuously recruit simpletons (our basic unit) for us. Simpletons are pretty much useless, but luckily we can move them to other buildings to change their profession. We can have warriors, archers, wizards, scouts and shieldbearers. Each of them have their own strenghts and weaknesses and must be used correctly. Thankfully, Crush Your Enemies does a great job in introducing all the units gradually and helping us understand their uses. In the game’s second act, a light resource management aspect is also introduced in the battles. We have to collect wood to build buildings and food to recruit more men, making the game a bit more strategic and hard. Generally, while you will probably win every battle easily or with a few retries, getting every objective done in them is quite a bit harder and requires strategic thought and timing.

While Crush Your Enemies’ gameplay is certainly very fun, it is the dialogue that shines in the game. As I said above, the game doesn’t take itself seriously and is full of pop culture references, stupid cliché characters and more. All this makes the game very entertaining. I believe Crush Your Enemies is one of the few RTS games where you will never skip a cutscene. Highlights include a six nippled cow deity, a king who wants to be a game designer, a Death Snail and much more.

Another great thing for the game is how well it runs. While most indie games, especially one made by a two man team (with some extra help of course), do have some optimization issues, the game not only runs beautifully, but will also run on a computer from 2004. All in all, the only major technical issue I have with the game is the timing in some clicks not working properly. This isn’t really a huge deal except for one or two moments where it did prevent me from accomplishing an optional objective. Another issue I had with the game were the items I had at my disposal. Although you have five items to use, only two of them are really useful, with the other three only being useful in a few situations. This pretty much made choosing between items needless, since I pretty much never switched my lineup of them.

All in all, Crush Your Enemies is a very fun game, with fluid gameplay and hilarious dialogue. Its issues are minimal and will certainly not diminish the enjoyment you get out of the game. Regarding its price, while the game is a bit short to justify the ten euros it costs, it has some replayability to compensate for it, along with a very fun multiplayer where we can fight our friends. Personally, I’d recommend getting the game just for the dialogues. If you do get it, don’t forget to stay for the post credits scene. You won’t regret it.

You can find Crush Your Enemies on Steam for 10 euros.


Crush Your Enemies offers a short and sweet singleplayer experience, full of humor and violence. The game will provide even the best players with a challenge, testing your skills in both strategy and timing.

+Fun, fluid gameplay

+Hilarious dialogue

The items are a bit useless

Small techical issues

Score: 8.2/10

-Philip “Snowchill” Alexandris

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