Lachlan Lamey

What can be said about the elusive ‘Lachlan Lamey’ that hasn’t already been ignored by the rest of humanity. This ancient eldritch horror emerged from the bowels of the earth decades ago and has been on a mission since then, the one singular purpose that clouds the mind and gnaws deep within the centre of both the known and unknown and will continue to do so until the final hours of the universe. That purpose being “to bullshit his way through life and hopefully make some people laugh”.

For you see, eons ago, A great king wrote of a prophecy, and that prophecy would spell out the destruction of the entirety of all known things. This caused an uprising of his kingdom and soon civil war between various regions of the lands. It was years of bloody battles and sieges on strongholds. Alliances formed and crumbled, revolutions revolving and revolting, madness grasping the souls of all caught in this whirlwind of destruction. The king growing old and fragile made an attempt to re-write his foretelling, but nobody knows if he succeeded.  Millenniums passed, the tomes still untouched by the swirling darkness surrounding humanity’s urges and deeds. Some say that the king somehow became immortal, and protects these tomes, others say his rotting corpse is the only thing standing between the foolish, and the future. The only way to find out what awaits you, is to delve deeper into your own mind and soul, to reach the innermost point of the universe that is your sense of being, like the king did so long ago. This has absolutely nothing to do with the sentient pile of trash some know as ‘Lachlan Lamey’ and others know as “that one fat, lonely, weird guy that nobody ever wanted to talk to”. And now for something completely different.

All of his life, Lachlan has enjoyed video games. But his obsession started with a little game known as ‘Halo: Combat Evolved’ (now you have the theme stuck in your head, don’t you? Duh nuh nuh NUHHHH!) From that day onwards, he was a gamer. And with all of the other ‘Halo’ games (at least the good ones) being the favourite of his youth, the FPS genre is closest to his heart.

“If a game looks bad but plays well, I’ll play it.

 If a game plays bad but has a good story, I’ll play it.

 If a game looks bad, plays bad, and has a bad story, it’s at least worth a look to laugh at it.” – Lachlan (Lac0tr0n) Lamey

Well said sir, games of all kinds are worth playing even if the only reason to play them is to laugh at their failures, after all isn’t that just another way of enjoying art. More recently, the games that Lachlan enjoys most are games that he an have an emotional connection to, or at least have some fun gameplay to take his mind off of the swirling void that surrounds his mind, the mental illness clawing its way deeper into his brain, oh GOD MAKE IT STOP…what was I saying again? Oh yeah that fat bastard.

So, to you reader of this bio I present three questions. What was the point of that second paragraph? Why does Lachlan have such low faith in humanity? And what is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?