Kelf’s Arcanum – Empty Room
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Style: Impulsive writing, repetition practice
Time to write: 15 minutes (non-stop) (5 minute editing)
Subject: On the topic of break-ups / moving-on
Inspirations: “How To Fix A Broken Heart” TedXTalk by Guy Winch, moving-on stories, personal experience, “I’m Not Sorry” by Meg Myers
He cornered himself on one end of his huge purple couch at the end of a cold winter’s night, thinking to himself “I am so sorry.”
“I am so sorry” he uttered in a room that now felt really empty. “I am sorry I did this to you” picking up his big blanket and covering himself. He felt the need to say it out loud, as if himself would be able to accept his apology if he actually heard it. Or at least try.
He did not know how to get past this. The hours were passing by and all he could think about was that this is probably the worst he has ever been through. More hurtful than ever. More painful than ever. More real than ever.
His only comfort being that of friends that were occasionally online and available to talk to him. He knew that his usual escape, that of music, would make him go on a feels-trip that would either make him feel worse or even introduce him to much more than what he had expected he could ever feel for another person. It was intense. It was surreal in so many ways. It was too much.
Some songs made so much sense when others suddenly did not.
Slowly starting to understand his pain, he crawled to the other end of the couch and started thinking of things to do in order to start the painful process of “forgetting.” That’s what others call it at least. He thought his pain was so special that “forgetting” wouldn’t cut it. He had to numb out the pain and let other feelings grow stronger inside of him so that they can outlive the pain that this void she created has left behind.
His life did not change the least bit. His life was full of experiences already, both routinely made ones as well as impulsively created ones. What she had given him though was something way more than just that. It was not just an escape and a place of comfort but a soothing entity all on its own. He felt like he could allow something like that to manifest from the very first few moments he had been with her. Others describe it as being relaxed around someone. He knew it was more than that. His heart told him so. His intricately badly wired-up to overthink brain also agreed.
He was never good with handling time. It is not lack of patience as most people that knew him described it as, but rather the lack of wanting to adjust to the reality of how these things “should” work.
He now laid back on the couch and started thinking of a plan. He was great at plans. Or he used to be at least. Not now. Right now he could not plan to even make tea.
“Let’s watch motivational YouTube videos on break-ups” he said to himself. He took the courage, stood up and did that. The video helped. For a brief moment at least, his brain was convinced that he actually cares more about himself than he does about her. But soon enough, he realized that was not true again. He really hated falling in the trap of having to do what everyone else did. “I am different” he kept telling himself, clenching his fist close to his heart, realizing that his feelings are all still true and still very much present. He respected everyone he met as someone new and unique in their own way. For that reason alone, he could not believe anything he heard from other people when they tried to advise him on how to deal with situations like this one.
He relapsed into a state of continued pain. He turned to facebook and instagram to see what she’s doing. He instantly regretted it, got annoyed at himself for being weak like that and decided to take action again. How could it be that she is enjoying herself when he is in so much pain. He started blaming himself, his kindness, his unconditionally loving character and everything that he stood for. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he needs to change. Or at least try.
He was sorry for what he had allowed others to do to him, make him think like that. That had to be fixed. He did not operate out of the need to protect himself, ever. That is something that people will take advantage of though and he knew that very well. All he could do was move forward now. Or at least try.
“I am not sorry” he said again out loud. The room felt a bit less empty now. A few hours had just gone by and the night had started giving way to the light of dawn. His huge purple curtains barely allowing the light to come through and yet he knew it was way past the time he started crying.
The room now felt the way it always did to him; a safe haven, a collection of things and experiences all packed tightly in 20 square meters of concrete. He knew it was just the start of a much longer journey, but the tears were now dry and he was feeling ready to make a run for it. Or at least try.
All songs now had meaning again. The room was not empty anymore.
Notes on writing this piece:
I started off wanting to write a story about how one would get past a very painful break-up but found myself wanting to explain the first few painful hours that a person goes through more than anything else. It’s as if it is something that most people tend to overlook and not give much attention to. I feel that there is more talk about how one gets past thing rather than about how one feels during these incredibly intense hours of pain.
It is a very sensitive topic since we all want to show that we are doing great after a break-up so that the world knows that we are well. Moving forward is great and all but taking a moment to appreciate these dreadful moments of extreme emotional pain is also something I personally find very romantic. It makes us all more honest and more human, to be able to indulge in the pain and talk about it later with no barriers.
Listening to Meg Myers’ “I’m Not Sorry” really helped actually and I will most definitely revisit the feelings that music brings to someone trying to actively write down feelings on the topic of break-ups. I love how at first you listen to the repetition of the word “Stay”, thinking that you really want a person to stay and then the song gets louder and somewhat more angry, meaning that you are lashing out and going through the phase of understanding what you are really missing. There’s a lot to be said on this, but alas, I do not want to make these write-ups too long.
I loved the repetition theme and next-up I will definitely try a story on how one gets past a break-up. Stories like that tend to have a lot of repetition and build up really nicely. The next challenge was to write something “emotionally moving” so I will try to make it a bit intense through the use of repetition.
~Konstantinos “Kelfecil” Christakis