Kelf’s Arcanum – Architects
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Style: Impulsive writing
Time to write: 15 minutes (5 minute editing)
Subject: Dreams and Goals
Inspirations: Chat with a friend, personal experiences, “Appointments” by Julien Baker
Visual stimulation is all she needs sometimes. A short walk around the corner just to watch people puffing smoke outside of the neighborhood’s liquor store was enough. Some looked younger than others. Some were clearly the type of people that did not belong there. A walk in the dark. That’s all she needed. All she needed to start writing.
Her most recent piece, “Architects” was something that she unequivocally believed was going to be her best work yet. “We are the architects of our own dreams” she wrote right on the first page of the first chapter. She wrote so, but she believed different. She knew she was no longer the architect of her own dream. Long had it been now that she felt like she was no longer the mistress of her own fate. Even while writing, she knew that words no longer made sense. They no longer passed through her heart or brain. They just ended up filling the blank emptiness of her white screen.
“Emptiness is a lesson in canvases” she wrote on the next line, quoting a song that she just couldn’t get out of her head. Emptiness being both literal and emotional. Her eardrums pumping harder and harder with the noise of the high frequencies that were coming out of her headphones. She liked having the volume loud. Loud enough to blank out everything else. This was her “speed mode”.
She just wrote, and wrote, and wrote. Until she couldn’t write anymore. Until she felt that what was on the screen, was no longer legible. “Fuckin’ technology man..” she thought to herself and smirked a bit. She hated that she could not see her own handwriting fade as her will to write faded too. She only got slower at typing, not less legible. She loved the scribbles that she sometimes made on paper when she was tired of writing. Her editor wanted it digitally done though and that was just, well, easier.
“We are are the architects of other people’s dreams actually” she continued writing. An architect is just another person, being paid in order to build something for other people to use. It is very rare that we ever design anything for ourselves. “God damn it, not even our own lives are of our design” she typed and then gave a feint sigh while tilting her head backwards. She was very tired now. She knew that what she was doing was just creating yet another false story for some readers that believe they lead “real” lives.
She actually believed in dreams. She had them. She still has them, but she has also decided to simultaneously neglect them and remember them, from time to time. She knew that in order to build a “real” dream and in order to architect what she really wanted to do in her own life, she needed company. She had to “pay” other people, to help her. She had to give out, just like she would have to receive. She knew how important other people were in her life and how much they have also disappointed her. That is why she wrote at night. No distraction whatsoever. No human interaction that is, for that was the real distraction for her.
She would think of people, but she would not talk to people. The ones that were also night owls like herself, she would forfeit. Worse than blocking someone on social media actually. She would just not answer. She felt it was easier that way. She knew better, but she had to do it.
“Dreams are not something we are the sole architects of” she wrote in a new paragraph. “Dreams are something that we build together. Something that we learn to chase and in the process understand that we need others in order to reach and achieve. We need others to keep the dreams as alive as we are. Alive, like the beating heart in our chests that makes us understand that we actually have feelings. Feelings that give us momentum and momentum that makes us push forward and well… Dream.”
Notes on writing this piece:
I spent quite a bit of my night chatting with someone about dreams, relationships and other related things. It gave me inspiration and it also made me quite scared to be honest. It made me realize how a lot of the things that I know I have some perspective on, are actually very different when seen from another person’s perspective. I have known that for quite a while now, but time and again, our beliefs are shaken and we have to take a moment to understand how what we believe is the right way, is not necessarily the same for another person. We need to take a moment to learn to understand and respect that. This is why I really wanted to write about dreams.
I continued using the persona of this “girl” that I created in my last piece, “The Voice Cliché”, just because I felt she was just extremely fitting for the character that goes through these emotions. I feel like I am slowly giving her a world to live in and her character is being built up from scratch every time one of these stories starts. I am really enjoying that actually and although I do not know if I will continue using her as my go-to character, I will definitely explore similar options in the future.
Next time, I will try some more dialog-oriented stuff. Maybe less “emotional thinking, trapped inside an apartment” stuff and more “the outside world”.
~Konstantinos “Kelfecil” Christakis